Anger Outbursts

Like it or not, there are plenty of parents out there who are abused by their own sons. They're afraid to tell their son no because of what he might do them. They're afraid to enforce rules. They're afraid to stand up to him. They're afraid to go to sleep at night. That's because they're raising a boy who has difficulty controlling his temper. If you're that parent, I assure you, you're not alone.

When you fear your son, he's going to walk all over you. It's hard not to fear him when he's put his hands on you though, isn't it? It's hard when he's used a weapon. It's hard when he's knocked you down. It's hard when he's threatened your life, and he's bigger than you are.

A boy that has serious anger issues needs a lot of help - and fast.

If you've already tried setting boundaries and giving him consequences for anger outbursts, and that's not getting his attention, you're going to need to spend a lot of time talking with him one on one. Consider getting a book or two he can relate to. The Worthy Battle Series, for example, is a set of novels about a probation officer who works with troubled teenagers. It doesn't contain any profanity or gore but it does have some real-life situations. You and your son could read that series together and talk about it as you go through it. Use that series, or one like it, to get your son to talk about where his anger comes from, and to ask him what you could do to help him with it.

When you talk to your son, be sure to come up with some acceptable things he can do when he gets angry. "You can't run out of the house in a fit of rage, but you can walk outside and shoot basketball in the driveway for 20 minutes." "You can't push or shove people, but you can say, 'Can I have five minutes to cool off and then after that can we sit down and talk?" "If you feel like you can't have a calm conversation with me, you can call the pastor or call your grandma or someone we can mutually agree would be a good person for you to reach out to."

Another suggestion is this - find someone you can let in. Someone who could help you get your son under control in the event of another anger outburst. Someone who can help you physically restrain him if you have to. Someone who can help you force him to accept consequences if you have to. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Your son will tell you his behavior is no one else's business but his, but if he's hurting you or others in your household, it's your business as well.

Don't be afraid to reward your son if you see him make even a baby step in controlling his anger. For example, let's say normally if you tell him no, he starts yelling and screaming and getting in your face. But one day you tell him no and he starts to yell and then says, "Never mind," and walks away. Give him some space. When he comes back, tell him you noticed and appreciate the fact that he made the effort to calm himself down, and that for that effort you're going to take him out for pizza or for an ice cream or that you'll let him drive the car or do something you know he'd love to do.

At the same time, don't be afraid to step up the discipline. In my next blog post, I'll talk about in more detail about some methods of discipline you might want to consider. Be sure to follow my blog.





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