Setting Expectations

 

He's never going to tell you this, but your son wants to know that you love him enough to set boundaries, and to enforce them. With that being said, the purpose of the expectations you set for him ought to be to help him become the kind of responsible, caring adult he should be a few years from now.

Simply saying, "Would you behave yourself!" isn't going to cut it! Nor is hollering "You're grounded for a month" in the heat of the moment and then allowing him to regain his privileges within 48 hours.

You need to say what you mean, and mean what you say - and put it in writing!

 

Step 1: Figure Out What's Important

Your family dynamic is different than everyone else's. I'm sure we would all agree on some basic rules that should apply to every teenage boy. He shouldn't be staying out all hours of the night. He shouldn't be getting physical with anyone in the household. He shouldn't be destroying property. You wouldn't dispute any of those with me, would you? Nah. I didn't think so.

Now, it's up to you to determine what other important rules you want to set for your son.

Here are some examples: Must be at the dinner table at 5:30 pm every day, no foul language, must get a minimum of B's in every subject at school, must have all chores and homework completed before being allowed to to hang out with friends or use electronics, etc.

I suggest coming up with somewhere between 10 and 25 basic expectations and putting them in writing.

At the bottom of the list, be sure to include something like, "This list is not all-inclusive. As your parent/guardian, I reserve the right to add to or modify this list at any time - and may do so either verbally or in writing as I deem fit.

 

Step 2: Dealing With First Offenses

So why don't we start with those basics.

My suggestion, and again, this might not work with everyone as everybody's situation is different, is that that you set expectations like the ones just mentioned, and then come up with a warning type of consequence. In other words, a consequence that's more than a slap on the wrist, but that isn't too extreme either.

So you'll have a list like this:

Curfew is 9 pm. The first time this rule is violated, you will be grounded until you write and hand in a 5-paragraph essay, with each paragraph consisting of at least 5 unique complete sentences, about the dangers of teenagers lurking about at night. Until you have turned in an essay that is approved by me, you will not leave this house without adult supervision unless you're going to school or to work.

There should be no physical aggression. The first time this rule is violated, you will write an apology letter consisting of at least 10 complete sentences to the person you got aggressive with, and will make the bathroom sparkling clean - I will be the judge of when the job is complete.

Take care of property. The first time this rule is violated, you will have to work for $5 per hour until you have earned enough money to purchase a brand new item of equal value to replace the one that you broke. You will be grounded until you've bought this item.

Here's the important part! If you set up rules and consequences like this and your teen violates a rule... don't say, "I'll just count this as a warning this time, but the next time, blah, blah, blah!" That will never work! At this stage of the game, you must take a no-mercy approach! It doesn't matter if he whines, cries, begs, or promises not to do it again. Follow through with that consequence! And if he initially refuses to accept the consequence, add another one and don't back down until he completes both! (And whatever you do, don't fall for the cute little smile and innocent look or that funny little joke he might share in efforts to improve your mood!)

 

Step 3: Dealing With Additional Offenses

Once a rule has been violated and consequences have been handed out, the idea is for that offense to not be repeated. If it is repeated, however, the consequences need to be stiffer.

So on your list of expectations and consequences, you need to add what will occur if there's a second offense...

For example: Let's say he's broken curfew a second time. Make him write not an essay, but a 3-page research paper on the same topic as before. Tell him it must be typed and not plagiarized. 

Then make a 3rd and higher offense category. At this point, if writing isn't doing the trick, you're going to have to make the consequences even less desirable. Perhaps you could make him do 15 hours of community service for people in your church or neighborhood, in addition to do another 3-page research paper before he can be ungrounded. And, of course, he would have to tell every neighbor he works for why he was doing the community service!

In the next blog post, I plan to share some things that you need to remove from your son's life if you him to get back on the right track! Be sure to follow my blog!